Folly Considers Online Dating and Also Loves Giraffes

There are two things that make me feel better when I'm feeling down: Cleaning the house and working out.  Now, I'm a naturally lazy person, so neither of these things are all that appealing to me in ANY mood, but I'm pretty sure there's scientific evidence out there about a clean house equaling a clearer mind; however, I'm feeling lazy and I don't feel like searching it out and finding it for you. So, you'll have to trust me on that. I mean, c'mon - would I lie to you??

I wouldn't.

Promise.

I went to the zoo today, so I was walking for hours out in the sunshine.  Sunshine + walking = much happier mood.  Then, when I got home, I cleaned up a bit around the house, especially the kitchen area.  Clean kitchen = much clearer mood.

I thought I was having a good day. At the very least, a rational day.

But once I sat down, got online, and started relaxing, I realized I wasn't in a good mood.  Apparently, it was only temporarily.

I still haven't seen WNG.  We texted last Friday, but he never responded.  I haven't heard from him, we haven't set up a date, and I have no friggin' clue what's going on with us. At this point, it's been a week and I've decided it's pretty clear - we're over.  He's not interested. Who knew the Nice Guys were such chicken shits?

So now I'm more seriously looking at dating websites. I think I'm able to afford it now, since I've recently received a pay raise at work (yay!) so I just have to pick one.  I wish they posted their "Free Communication Weekends" in advance - I'd hate to sign up and pay for a few months and then have them promote a free weekend!! (although last year there was a free weekend at the end of July, so maybe another one will happen soon??)

I've narrowed it down to Chemistry.com and eHarmony.com.  I know about 10 people who met their current paramours/husbands on eHarms, and I'm familiar with the scientist behind Chemistry.com (she's came to speak at my university while I was there. Luv huh!). I know both of these sites have some of the longest personality questionnaires, but I'm okay with that if it helps me get a better match.

Plus, they're pretty popular and well-known, so I feel like there will be more people signed up.  Or, to be clearer, there will be more GUYS signed up, therefore more chances for a match.

I can only afford one, so I'll have to make a choice.  So far, I'm leaning toward eHarms, but only time will tell. Naturally I'll keep you all posted (since apparently this blog is staying put, as I haven't figured out what I want to do with it/my "brand/etc. haha).

To end on a happy note, I give you a picture I took today of a giraffe.  I'm a sucker for anything giraffe-print, including actual giraffes.

And oh heck, let's throw in a Giraffe video, courtesy of SNL and Hulu, for the heck of it:

Folly Gets Serious

At first, I was convinced I was Depressed.  The feeling's been going on for a few weeks now and I even put calling my doctor on my list of Things To Do But Will Procrastinate In Doing, but there was something off about it.  Something not so...sad.  Now, I'm generally a Depressive person, and I know what Depression feels like for me.  This was off.  So then I decided I must be suffering from Anxiety.  Again, something I know about.  In high school, I used to suffer Panic Attacks and Vertigo just at the thought of raising my hand to answer a question.

Despite my love of Alfred Hitchcock, I can't stand this movie.

I decided against the Anxiety when I realized I wasn't actually anxious about anything.  So I went back to Depression.

I'm still not positive that's what it is, since it seems different than what I've experienced before, but I'm certainly feeling something.  I have a lot of reasons to feel run-down, depressed, stressed-out, or more.  Mom is still unemployed, has been for 19 months, and it's really taking a toll on her.  She's very depressed, lacking confidence, and, as it happens with unemployment, money is tight.  She's also admitted that it's taking a toll on her and my father's relationship.

I'm not seriously worried about them, but I don't like to hear those things.

In addition, I spent the last four weeks training for my first ever 5k race, held on The Fourth.  I didn't run the 3.1 miles straight through, but I did my darndest and I achieved all of my goals for the event:
A.   Finish in under 45 minutes
B.   Don't be the last to finish
C.   Just Finish. Alive.

That other time is the "chip time", whatever that is.

I finished the race in 37:43.83, well under my 45 minute goal. YAY ME! Unfortunately, the training and the race left me completely spent.  I'll be honest - I did not take as good of care of myself as I should have with the training and the running.  I didn't drink enough water, I didn't eat enough protein - lesson learned, for sure.

So, what do we have so far? We have mom's stressors, which are a domino effect for the rest of the family.  We have physical stressors, from the running and the training.  We have the already existing stressors from trying to figure out a career path and dealing with Trevor the Terrible Large Intestine.

My feet are covered with 'skeeter bites (apparently wearing flip-flops, after running, on a summer night = bugs descend like crazy).  Oh, my computer keeps going berserk-o on me and I have no idea why!

Basically, it all adds up to be not being in a good head space.  Then, of course, there's WNG.  WNG is working a lot, and he was gone on the holiday weekend, and so I haven't seen him in over two weeks.  I haven't spoken to him on the phone in almost as long.  We've conversed ever-so-briefly via text messages in the last two days, but we haven't made any plans to see each other.

This upsets me.

But I can't tell if it upsets me because there's actually a root issue, or if it upsets me because I have so much going on right now that I can't deal with a boy at the moment.

I've tried to listen to my Gut, and determine if it's a Gut Issue or a Dragon Issue, but I have no feeling about it.  No Gut feelings.  No Dragon feelings.  Just unclear, upset feelings.

I don't really know where I'm going with this rant.  I started writing all these things down for myself and felt the need to share them with others.  Perhaps I'm just tired and just need some sleep.  Perhaps I somehow managed to fuck things up with this great guy and ended up with a crash-n-burn relationship to show for it.  Or, perhaps I'm just overthinking things with WNG because of other things going on right now. 

I don't know.  I just really don't know what's going on with any part of my life right now.  When I go back and preview the post, I feel so stupid about even complaining about the WNG issues.  I read what I've written and think, logically, this is No. Big. Deal.  But it doesn't feel like it's no big deal.

Geez, what am I, 17 again?

Effff.....

Folly's in a Fünke

Michal Marcol/www.freedigitalphotos.net

It's time to get personal.  I said I was looking to go this route, I received some wonderful feedback about it (thanks!), so get ready, follies, because here goes.

I'm in a Fünke.  I get down and blue every so often - it's sort of a regular thing with me - so being in a Fünke itself isn't so bad or abnormal.  This particular Fünke seems to be lasting a bit longer, however, and that's starting to bother me.  I'm usually able to hide my Fünkes while at work or out with the family, but lately I haven't been able to do that.  Little things are really starting to get to me.  Usually I can deal with a fair amount of negativity around me, either by ignoring it or occasionally taking part (misery loves company), but lately I just want to yell "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" at everyone.  And naturally I was angry at having to wake up for work this morning.  Sure, I'm upset every Monday morning when I realize the sun's not yet up and I have to go to work, but it's taking me longer and longer to even want to wake up in the morning.

I basically feel like I just can't get happy.  I was looking at jobs and salaries last night, and realized that someone in my position in the private sector, with my experience and whatnot, is averaging TWICE the yearly salary I make.  Do you know how depressing that is, to know that someone out there is doing the same thing you're doing and making twice what you make while your take-home pay is being cut each year because of the recession? I didn't think I wanted to continue this type of job as part of my 5 year plan, but hell - they have career movement! And real salaries that can pay the bills!  Suddenly it's an option.

I find myself dreaming of adult things - a new car, being a homeowner sooner rather than later, how in the world I'm going to pay my car insurance come August, when I'll be able to afford a dog, what sort of job/career I want...These are things I want and need to start budgeting for, but it's very difficult to do right now.

It's been rainy and cloudy here, which isn't helping the fünke at all.  I'm so tired of wearing sweaters!!  I just want some sunny and warm weather that lasts longer than a day.  I finally worked on my college scrapbook last night to perk up my mood, which was very nice and therapeutic, but pulling out all that stuff always make me realize how little room I really have in my apartment.

Then, because I must add in something terribly frivolous to the list of fünke-causers, I won't be able to stay up all night and watch the Royal Wedding.  Because I have to work the next day.  And this depresses me because I got myself all excited to stay up late and throw a party and watch it without realizing I had totally miscalculated the time difference (for some reason I thought it would take place at 2am on SATURDAY my time, not 2am on FRIDAY my time. Oops.)  And even if I did stay up (I haven't been sleeping very well, so I might end up watching the wedding) I won't be able to pop open my sparkling rosé wine to toast the happy couple, again because of that little thing called work.

Okay, jesting aside I don't REALLY care that I can't watch the wedding as it airs, and there will be plenty of reruns throughout the next six months, I'm sure.  But at least being able to watch it with some rosé bubbly and hors d'oeuvre would have been fun and perked my mood up a bit!

I'm just feeling so negative about everything in life right now - relationships, job-hunting, my future.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat about everything.

On top of all this negative energy I'm heaping upon myself, I'm utterly determined to finally start taking charge, suck it up, and deal with Trevor, which means:

No onions, leeks, garlic, chives, or anything else in the Allium family
No fake, processed, artificial meals
No refined sugars
No potatoes
No fried foods
No popcorn
Limited artificial sweetener
Limited alcohol
Limited bread products
Limited milk products
Limited caffeine
Limited berries

ONION FIGHT!!!

My first thought after reading through this list was, "Well, this diet is going to make future dates a lot of fun".  It basically means I'll be eating a lot more fruits and veggies - which I, thankfully, already eat quite a bit of, but this also means I must go grocery shopping more often than I do now, which is already difficult since I only get paid once a month. It also means I basically have to cook everything I eat myself.  I love to cook, but once I factor in my commute, my workouts, and any sort of social life...my cooking time is often limited to quick meals or just the weekends.  Now I have all these restrictions and I am at a loss in the kitchen.  I'm not sure if you knew this about me, but I basically live on potatoes and potato products. And wine. But we all knew that :)  I just can't help feeling that this is all a little...well,

It's depressing.  I think that's the point I'm getting at with all these complaints, gripes, and petty grievances.  It's depressing, and I'm not sure how to lift myself up from it all.  I wish I could get all perky, and look at all these things with a positive outlook and say, "Hey! Just think of how much better Trevor will feel!"  or "One day I'll totally own my own house!" But that just isn't helping me right now (and I wouldn't be surprised if this sudden dietary shift is partially at fault for the sourpuss moods as of late).

If I can attempt to look on the positive side for just a moment, and because I'd like to end this blog on some semblance of positivity, I fully expect to have tons more energy after a week or so on my new diet!!

And my skin will probably be amazing.

Salvatore Vuono/www,freedigitalphotos.net

But still - the point of this post remains:  Folly's in a fünke, and she doesn't know how to get out.

It's Seven o'clock and I Wanna Rock!

I was ready.   I had my outfit set.  I had my makeup perfected.  My hair was straightened.

I was READY. 

If I were willing to show you my face, you'd see my AWESOME makeup.  But I'm not, so you'll just have to believe me.

I drove down there.

I parked.

I walked a block to the venue.

I had my ID ready, half-priced ticket in hand.

I entered.

I ordered a drink at the bar.

I was READY!

Because it's impossible for me to be late anywhere, I was there in time to catch the very first opening band.  They were okay.  I enjoyed my drink and surveyed the crowd to see if I knew anyone.  No one yet, but I was early.  I had time.

After the first band, as they were switching to the second, I saw the Guitarist pass by, and he seemed excited to see me, and he pulled me aside to stand with his wife, Coworker, and other friends and band mates.

Here's where the nerves started to set in.

After a while The Bandleader came by.  I smiled and waved at him, and he came over.  I saw his eyes light up when he saw me and he gave me a big hug and told me how great it was to see me. 

Things were boding well for the evening.

Of course, the band was running around close to the show so I hung out with Coworker and her Friends, one of whom was a Brit.  Brit's Wife and I got stuck in a conversation her Brit had with another Brit we met last night.  They discussed where in England they each were from, and their thoughts on Scotland and Bath and she and I were a little lost. 

Okay, maybe his wife didn't feel as lost as I did, but I had no idea what they were talking about.  I mean sure, I've been to Bath, and I LOVE me some Scotland, but once they got into which town is more upper-class and lower-class I really got lost.  But the new Brit who walked up (the unmarried one) reminded me of the lead guy in the movie "Across the Universe", both for looks and his explanation of why he's in the U.S., so that was fun.  I just imagined him jumping on stage with the band and singing Beatles tunes.

Aaaaaaand finally the band was on!! We made our way to the front and danced to the tunes.  The Bandleader had made a comment about how he feels he's not giving a good show if even one person isn't smiling, so I made sure to smile and dance. 

Then these two girls came, late in the show, one of whom sang with the band during their last show (and, on the first night I met The Bandleader, she gave me a dirty look for flirting with him, so I don't think she likes me). 

They were maybe a little drunk and dancing like crazy, and they kept stepping backward into me.  And then – She Stepped On Me.  With her high-heeled boot.  OUCH!

I really need to do something about those toenails...

Coworker's sister laughed, and she grabbed my shoulders and moved me away from the crazy boot lady.  We all had a good laugh after the show – both at the crazy dancing AND how jealous the crazy boot lady was that she didn't get to the sing with the band this time (and oh follies, she was jealous).

As we were hanging out, The Bandleader walked over and I made sure to give him a big smile and two thumbs up for the show.  He walked over closer and we started talking.  At one point he leaned in his face within an inch of my face, and my heart skipped a beat.  I leaned toward him as well.  It was wonderful.  He talked to Brit and Brit's Wife, and the entire time he spoke to them his body remained toward me.  Even his feet pointed toward me the whole time, which I've been assured and reassured is a sure-fire sign that he's into me.

Until the new lady-singer in the band walked up, and then his body language was all toward her. 

Now, just to tell you all what's going on at this point, people are leaving the club.  It's past midnight, people are leaving, and I came alone so I could get my flirt on, and now he and everyone else are nowhere to be found (well, I could have found The Bandleader.  I knew where he was.  He was out back, carrying band stuff to the car, with the lady-singer, so I wasn't exactly going to search him out.)  Even if I had good vibes up to this point, I'm not sure how to feel.  I'm alone, I can't find Coworker, the Brit and his wife have left, and I don't know what to do with myself.  I'm borderline annoyed, because while I'd love to stay and flirt and hang out, I'm feeling mildly disrespected since everyone has just walked away from me.  I don't know where they are.  I look around, and I finally see a few people I know toward the front, on the front patio to the venue, so I walk over there.

I didn't have any intention of leaving just yet, since I found the group of friends, but mostly I wasn't going to leave yet because I at least wanted to say goodbye to The Bandleader.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  Everyone is hugging and saying goodbye, and I think everyone assumed I was leaving too since I walked to the patio.  I stalled them from saying goodbye to me long enough to see The Bandleader walking up from his car to the patio.  I looked at him, and he looked at me.  There were smiles.  Coworker and her hubs said goodbye to me and gave me hugs, and then The Bandleader and I were all alone on the patio.

Him: "You're out?"
Me: "I'm out!"
Him: "Hmmm, you're out of...........out of...................I got nothing."
Me: "What? You, nothing? But here I am expecting you say something witty!" (something like this, I was trying to tease and flirt)
Him: "I can only think of negatives.....Ah! Got it. You're...OUT OF THIS WORLD!"
Me: laughs and smiles
Him: "You are!" he gave me a big hug "Thanks so much for coming tonight! I'll see you later!"  And he walked away into the venue.

FOLLIES.  Do you see what is missing in that convo? He did not ask for my number.  He did not even invite me to a future show.  What The Fuck?  I read his body language.  I flirted.  I leaned toward him when he leaned toward me.  And this is it? THIS is how it fucking ends?

So. That’s that.  The crush has been crushed.  I'll attend future shows because shows are fun and the band is great, and aw heck, I'll flirt with him in the future, but it's clear to me that this isn't going anywhere.

Angry Don King Folly is BACK!

My brother says that when things go well and he has no end-game, then it's possible that I'm doing something wrong.  That I'm giving off a negative vibe to him.  Well - I don't think so.  I think I gave off enough positive vibes throughout and toward the end that this isn't on me.

GRRR. I need Wine!!!



**Update**
Wine has been acquired.  Commence lazy afternoon doing nothing. 

I Need A Vacay: or, how I had a panic attack at work today

This? Almost burned down my apartment.

Oh good heavens, follies (yeah, you have a nickname now, readers; you are my follies).  I've stressed myself out so much in the past week that my body is revolting against me. I'll spare you the unnecessary details, but suffice it to say that I. Need. A. Holiday.

I knew I was feeling a little stressed, but I didn't think it had elevated to it's current level. We're at, like, DEFCON 5 - HIGH STRESS ALERT here. And it comes in horrible waves. Panic attack waves. Panic attack waves the likes of which I haven't seen in over 5 years. YEARS.  During my lunch-time walk around the neighborhood to de-stress I started crying over my stressors, and as I approached my building my chest got tight, I started crying again, and I had to loop around the block before I could go back to work. NOT NORMAL, PEOPLE.

I'm starting to wish Friend hadn't bothered to tell me how disappointed he is in D and how he wished we hadn't split up. It's just brought up so many emotions that I didn't want to feel again and that I thought I was done with feeling.  Plus, now instead of not thinking of D and just moving on with my life, I find myself thinking of him in positive/negative waves.  But none of my emotions feel real anymore. If I feel positively for D it's because all the emotions I had for him have resurfaced, and if I feel negatively it's because I'm beyond stressed and seeing red at everything and everyone.  Everything I feel just feels...FAKE.

On top of that, we have more budget cuts coming at work that are expected to again cut into my take-home pay. So, in the slightly-more-than-two years I've been here, I've received at least two decreases in pay.  I started at the entry-level salary, so while I bring home enough to pay the bills, I can't afford much beyond that.  That also means that any seemingly minor decrease - even of only 1% or 2% - makes a noticeable dent in my pay, so I'm less than thrilled about these most recent cuts. Unlike most people in my office, I don't have a roommate or spouse to help pay for groceries and mortgages and offer that moral support.

And on top of THAT, I'll be seeing The Bandleader on Friday night, which has my nerves all a-twitter.  I'm terrified that if I like him (and, thusly, he likes me) that I won't be feeling Real Feelings but only Rebound Feelings.  I don't think I even know what Rebound Feelings feel like.  And what if I don't like his band?

I'm so stressed I'm not eating.  Case in point - it took me over two hours today to finish two normal-sized slices of pizza for lunch. And - AND - I'm not drinking wine.

Yeah, follies, it's that bad.  I can't stomach the thought of alcohol.

I don't even know what to do at this point to relieve my stress. I don't have money for a massage (see that second point about money), I don't have time off for a vacation until May, and I can't even finish a glass of wine. OH, and I almost burned down my apartment trying to bake a heart-shaped pizza for myself Monday night.

Now my apartment smells like melted cardboard and burnt pizza.

AND (because misery loves company so I might as well keep going, right?) I no longer feel like getting into online dating is a good option for me because a) I don't have the money for a paid site, and for various reasons don't like certain free sites and b) Apparently people from Match.com try to kill you.

Okay, I jest about that last point.  Obviously that guy is the exception and not the rule, right? (...RIGHT?)

But seriously follies, SERIOUSLY.  I need some de-stressing tips.  Because Panic Attacks? Really? Not cool.  Make them stop.


**Update**
Okay follies, we've had success on one front.  Tonight I'm able to stomach wine again.  There is hope for me after all.

Just an update, nothing too thrilling (but read it anyway)

I'm currently working on a few things to post, namely a few posts for a feature that's called "Blast From The Past".  It'll be a series of hilarious past dates and follies.  But while those are in the works, let me give you a few updates via a bulleted list:

• Mouse issue still not over.  Found new mouse poops Friday evening when I scrubbed clean my desk before the weekend.  My supervisor is upset that I have to clean the mouse poops myself.  My boss keeps mentioning Hantavirus. I just want this bad dream to end (I'm even dreaming about mice now, away from work. WTF?)
• Haven't seen D lately, and stopped taking the bus to avoid his friends.  I now get home a few minutes later and take the train instead.  I wouldn't mind running into D, but it's more awkward with his friends.
• Going out tonight with the girlies, so that should be fun.  I'm trying to flirt with cute boys I see, just to have a good time and to ensure I've still got "it".  I'm excited to get back out there, but still anxious since I know any dates would be rebounds.  I know I need to let emotions and what-not run their course, but I don't like being patient.
• Was feeling "meh" this morning, then felt better as I ran errands with my parents and spent too much (but a needed amount) of money. THEN my mom and I saw a Valentine's Day aisle, and I said I wasn't ready to look at that, and she said, "Oh, you're coming up on the one year anniversary aren't you?" CUE THE TEARS. (January 31st, my friends. I even procured a gift card ahead of time to a fancy-shmancy restaurant for the occasion I now won't be celebrating. FML.)

So that's a quick and not-so-dirty update.  Everyone have a good weekend, and since we're expected to get buried in a huge snow-storm this weekend, perhaps my first Blast From The Past post will be updated sooner rather than later! (But don't count on that. Seriously, don't. Do you know how many bottles of wine I have at home?)

-Folly

The Inevitable

Wednesday morning I ran into D on the bus.  It was inevitable and everything went well.  We were comfortable, albeit a little awkward, but that's to be expected.  We chatted the entire ride.

But despite how well the meeting went, it made me sad.

*sigh*

So here's a poem for you to read while I go cry.  It's from the book "count me the stars" by Kylie Johnson (or maybe it's kylie johnson.  I don't know if she does the whole lowercase-e-e-cummings thing) that my mom gave me not too long ago.

Kylie Johnson, count me the stars (2008)

Update 10:01pm: I didn't go have a cry, I decided drinking wine and eating leftover Christmas cookies was a more productive use of my time.

Karaoke was a baaaaad idea

Happy Christmas!!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday full of presents and family, or church services, or a movie and Chinese food.  I, however, spent my holiday with a cold.  And not a nice one with a couple sneezes here or there, but a full-on cold complete with body aches, a sore throat, an occasional sneeze, itchy eyes, and a stuffy nose.  Because of this unfortunate turn of events, I was stuck with a very difficult choice at Christmas dinner – cold/flu meds or wine?

This was like having to pick one child over the other, if I had children.

So I did what any good parent would do – I picked my favorite.

Wine.

The after dinner activity for the family was Wii American Idol Karaoke, so I think I chose wisely.  What I did not choose wisely, however, was the song to sing.

I mean, to be fair, I didn’t pick the song.  My aunt did.  And I looked at the song and thought, “oh hey, that’s in my key.  And I know the words.  I can totally sing this with her.”

Oops.

The song? “Who Knew” by P!nk. 

It hit me about mid-chorus, a minute or two in, what exactly I was singing.

 

I kept going, kept pushing through.  My aunt had no idea when she picked the song.

Okay, I didn’t cry, thank goodness, but the tears barely stayed in their little ducts before we got to the end of the song.

I’ve been a borderline wreck, emotionally speaking, ever since.  I don’t know whether to blame the poor song choice or the invisible vice around my body made only slightly more bearable with store-brand DayQuil.

I'm blaming the cold meds.

All at once the crowd begins to sing

I started the day looking at his toothbrush.  I haven't tossed it yet; it’s still in my bathroom drawer, wrapped in a plastic bag.  I don’t use that drawer for much, but today I needed a round brush to make my hair look all nice and full of body, so I had to dip into the drawer. 

That should have been a clue to me that this would not be a good emotional day.

I spent the day with the madre, who tells me often (read: every time I see her) how much better off I am without D and how clearly he just can’t communicate, and on and on and on.  Then I had to recap the breakup story with my aunt, and oh – met my cousin for lunch and her new FIANCE.

Shoot me now.

I finally broke down this evening, right before leaving for church with my parents, when I was killing time online and saw a gorgeous picture of a man proposing to his gal on The Chive (yeah, I’m totally pimping out The Chive right now.  Whatever.  Just check it out.) I got all sad and mopey and upset, and on the drive home from my parents’ house the song “All At Once” by the Fray came on.

Fuckity fuck fuck, I lost it.  I couldn’t stop crying.  It was awful.  I know it’s only been a week, but I felt like I was past the bawling and crying stage.  I feel like I’ve been handling it so well so far that I feel like I can’t cry about him anymore.  It’s not true, I know it’s not true, and I know it’ll probably take me a while to get to a really good place, but I just can’t stand crying in general and especially not over guys.  I don’t even know why I feel like I’m putting this deadline on myself.  I shouldn’t be in a rush to get over him.  I spent nearly a year with him, so I’m obviously not going to be moving on any time soon.  But I’m still irritated about the whole thing – the breakup, the crying, the potential for seeing D this week on the bus – and I feel like I have to be okay in front of everyone else and bottle up how awful I feel.

Maybe this is the reason it doesn’t yet feel like Christmas to me.  I hope I will by next weekend – can’t believe it’s already Christmas!!

-Folly