|Despite my love of Alfred Hitchcock, I can't stand this movie.|
I'm still not positive that's what it is, since it seems different than what I've experienced before, but I'm certainly feeling something. I have a lot of reasons to feel run-down, depressed, stressed-out, or more. Mom is still unemployed, has been for 19 months, and it's really taking a toll on her. She's very depressed, lacking confidence, and, as it happens with unemployment, money is tight. She's also admitted that it's taking a toll on her and my father's relationship.
I'm not seriously worried about them, but I don't like to hear those things.
In addition, I spent the last four weeks training for my first ever 5k race, held on The Fourth. I didn't run the 3.1 miles straight through, but I did my darndest and I achieved all of my goals for the event:
A. Finish in under 45 minutes
B. Don't be the last to finish
C. Just Finish. Alive.
|That other time is the "chip time", whatever that is.|
So, what do we have so far? We have mom's stressors, which are a domino effect for the rest of the family. We have physical stressors, from the running and the training. We have the already existing stressors from trying to figure out a career path and dealing with Trevor the Terrible Large Intestine.
My feet are covered with 'skeeter bites (apparently wearing flip-flops, after running, on a summer night = bugs descend like crazy). Oh, my computer keeps going berserk-o on me and I have no idea why!
Basically, it all adds up to be not being in a good head space. Then, of course, there's WNG. WNG is working a lot, and he was gone on the holiday weekend, and so I haven't seen him in over two weeks. I haven't spoken to him on the phone in almost as long. We've conversed ever-so-briefly via text messages in the last two days, but we haven't made any plans to see each other.
This upsets me.
But I can't tell if it upsets me because there's actually a root issue, or if it upsets me because I have so much going on right now that I can't deal with a boy at the moment.
I've tried to listen to my Gut, and determine if it's a Gut Issue or a Dragon Issue, but I have no feeling about it. No Gut feelings. No Dragon feelings. Just unclear, upset feelings.
I don't really know where I'm going with this rant. I started writing all these things down for myself and felt the need to share them with others. Perhaps I'm just tired and just need some sleep. Perhaps I somehow managed to fuck things up with this great guy and ended up with a crash-n-burn relationship to show for it. Or, perhaps I'm just overthinking things with WNG because of other things going on right now.
I don't know. I just really don't know what's going on with any part of my life right now. When I go back and preview the post, I feel so stupid about even complaining about the WNG issues. I read what I've written and think, logically, this is No. Big. Deal. But it doesn't feel like it's no big deal.
Geez, what am I, 17 again?