Folly's in a Fünke

Michal Marcol/www.freedigitalphotos.net

It's time to get personal.  I said I was looking to go this route, I received some wonderful feedback about it (thanks!), so get ready, follies, because here goes.

I'm in a Fünke.  I get down and blue every so often - it's sort of a regular thing with me - so being in a Fünke itself isn't so bad or abnormal.  This particular Fünke seems to be lasting a bit longer, however, and that's starting to bother me.  I'm usually able to hide my Fünkes while at work or out with the family, but lately I haven't been able to do that.  Little things are really starting to get to me.  Usually I can deal with a fair amount of negativity around me, either by ignoring it or occasionally taking part (misery loves company), but lately I just want to yell "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" at everyone.  And naturally I was angry at having to wake up for work this morning.  Sure, I'm upset every Monday morning when I realize the sun's not yet up and I have to go to work, but it's taking me longer and longer to even want to wake up in the morning.

I basically feel like I just can't get happy.  I was looking at jobs and salaries last night, and realized that someone in my position in the private sector, with my experience and whatnot, is averaging TWICE the yearly salary I make.  Do you know how depressing that is, to know that someone out there is doing the same thing you're doing and making twice what you make while your take-home pay is being cut each year because of the recession? I didn't think I wanted to continue this type of job as part of my 5 year plan, but hell - they have career movement! And real salaries that can pay the bills!  Suddenly it's an option.

I find myself dreaming of adult things - a new car, being a homeowner sooner rather than later, how in the world I'm going to pay my car insurance come August, when I'll be able to afford a dog, what sort of job/career I want...These are things I want and need to start budgeting for, but it's very difficult to do right now.

It's been rainy and cloudy here, which isn't helping the fünke at all.  I'm so tired of wearing sweaters!!  I just want some sunny and warm weather that lasts longer than a day.  I finally worked on my college scrapbook last night to perk up my mood, which was very nice and therapeutic, but pulling out all that stuff always make me realize how little room I really have in my apartment.

Then, because I must add in something terribly frivolous to the list of fünke-causers, I won't be able to stay up all night and watch the Royal Wedding.  Because I have to work the next day.  And this depresses me because I got myself all excited to stay up late and throw a party and watch it without realizing I had totally miscalculated the time difference (for some reason I thought it would take place at 2am on SATURDAY my time, not 2am on FRIDAY my time. Oops.)  And even if I did stay up (I haven't been sleeping very well, so I might end up watching the wedding) I won't be able to pop open my sparkling rosé wine to toast the happy couple, again because of that little thing called work.

Okay, jesting aside I don't REALLY care that I can't watch the wedding as it airs, and there will be plenty of reruns throughout the next six months, I'm sure.  But at least being able to watch it with some rosé bubbly and hors d'oeuvre would have been fun and perked my mood up a bit!

I'm just feeling so negative about everything in life right now - relationships, job-hunting, my future.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat about everything.

On top of all this negative energy I'm heaping upon myself, I'm utterly determined to finally start taking charge, suck it up, and deal with Trevor, which means:

No onions, leeks, garlic, chives, or anything else in the Allium family
No fake, processed, artificial meals
No refined sugars
No potatoes
No fried foods
No popcorn
Limited artificial sweetener
Limited alcohol
Limited bread products
Limited milk products
Limited caffeine
Limited berries

ONION FIGHT!!!

My first thought after reading through this list was, "Well, this diet is going to make future dates a lot of fun".  It basically means I'll be eating a lot more fruits and veggies - which I, thankfully, already eat quite a bit of, but this also means I must go grocery shopping more often than I do now, which is already difficult since I only get paid once a month. It also means I basically have to cook everything I eat myself.  I love to cook, but once I factor in my commute, my workouts, and any sort of social life...my cooking time is often limited to quick meals or just the weekends.  Now I have all these restrictions and I am at a loss in the kitchen.  I'm not sure if you knew this about me, but I basically live on potatoes and potato products. And wine. But we all knew that :)  I just can't help feeling that this is all a little...well,

It's depressing.  I think that's the point I'm getting at with all these complaints, gripes, and petty grievances.  It's depressing, and I'm not sure how to lift myself up from it all.  I wish I could get all perky, and look at all these things with a positive outlook and say, "Hey! Just think of how much better Trevor will feel!"  or "One day I'll totally own my own house!" But that just isn't helping me right now (and I wouldn't be surprised if this sudden dietary shift is partially at fault for the sourpuss moods as of late).

If I can attempt to look on the positive side for just a moment, and because I'd like to end this blog on some semblance of positivity, I fully expect to have tons more energy after a week or so on my new diet!!

And my skin will probably be amazing.

Salvatore Vuono/www,freedigitalphotos.net

But still - the point of this post remains:  Folly's in a fünke, and she doesn't know how to get out.

How do you know if your gut is your Gut?

Like many teenage girls, I suffered from a terrible affliction known as the Low Self-esteem Dragon during my formative years.  If a guy looked at me, surely it was because I was an ugly, pimply teenager who had some pudge and not because I was a cute, blonde tennis player.  I was convinced I was not only fat and chunky, but that I would be fat and chunky FOREVER.  And anytime I felt that Dragon rear its ugly, scaly head, I was convinced that it was my Gut telling me the clear and present Truth of a given situation.

I wish my internal Dragon was this cute

For example, the varsity football player who flirted with me on the back staircase Junior year? Obviously he was just teasing and making fun of such an ugly kid. Gut = Truth.

Then I got older, and wiser, and realized that It Gets Better.  I happen to think I'm pretty frickin' gorgeous and awesome.  I'm better (but still not great) at flirting and decoding flirting, and I realize that you know what? Occasionally my Low Self-esteem Dragon rears it's head and that's okay.  We all have days where we don't feel good enough, or smart enough, or like anyone cares about us.  I'm human, and I'm a female human, and shitty moods happen.  But there's one thing I'm not all that great at just yet, and that is reading my Gut.

Because sometimes, and especially when it comes to matters involving the male species, I don't know whether the little voice in my head is my Dragon or my Gut.  I'd like to think I have an amazing Gut (Trevor notwithstanding. That gut is a problem child.) but sometimes I just don't know when to trust it.  If I listen to it, am I avoiding a pointless/dangerous situation (Gut)? Or am I giving up because I think I'm not worth it (Dragon)?

Most recently, I can't decide how to feel about the progress (or lack thereof) with The Bandleader.  It's hard when we only see each other once a month, and it's especially hard when he DOESN'T ask for my NUMBER at the end of the NIGHT.  It's hard because there's a middle-lady who I work with, but don't hang out with, that's trying to act as a go-between.  And what's even harder about THAT is that she and I have different views about how this setting-people-up thing works.  But that's neither here nor there (or is it?) because...

...I have this feeling about our budding (or not-so-budding) romance.  That it's not going anywhere.  That it never will go anywhere.  That it's pointless and hopeless and I should just get over my stupid little crush.

Obviously he and I had some chemistry on the dance floor.  And I think there's no denying there was an attraction (I had no problem reading that Gut reaction after our non-date).  And clearly he had a great time with me, as the subsequent conversations with Coworker and others showed. But. Butbutbutbutbut.

I don't know if my Gut is letting me know that this little crush is nothing more than a fun flame, or if my Low Self-esteem Dragon is making it's comeback as a fake gut.  Do I really feel like it's going nowhere, or am I convinced because of the time between shows and lack of other suitors that I'm not worthy, or that I'll never catch his eye, or there's too many other ladies interested in a guy who's *swoon* in a band?

I can't tell.  I really can't.  The only thing I'm sure of is that things stall out if there's too much time between events, and I don't doubt that there's a bit of stalling going on right now.  But I have a hard time going full force into something when my "gut" tells me it'll never happen.  Why should I waste my time on it? At the same time, if this isn't my Gut talking and is instead my Dragon, I don't want the Dragon to win.

So, follies, help a girl out: How do I slay my Dragon and listen to my Gut?



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Shout out here to the It Gets Better Project (www.itgetsbetter.org).  Mr. Savage may have started it with GLBTQ teens in mind, but I think the message applies more broadly to all who have been or are currently being bullied.  We may have been raised to brush harsh words off with the old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" but I believe that when you reach a certain age, and certainly more in today's world than what I saw when I was a child, words can and do hurt more than any stick or stone ever could.  Let's stick up for each other and reach out instead of putting down.  And what do I say? SMILE BACK!