I'm Still Alive

Folly here. I finally took a jump and did something I've been thinking about for a while for this blog, so I guess I'm "under construction" at this point.

When the time is right, I'll reveal the new Folly...

Stay tuned!!

:)

I'll Pencil You In

It's official...

www.freedigitalphotos.net

Folly is seeing a doctor next week! It's overdue, but it's finally happening.  Plus, I was able to get an early morning appointment early in the week, so it's like Win-Win right now.  If the doc can figure out what's up with me, then it'll be Win-Win-Win...or something like that.

Meanwhile, please enjoy this website that my dear friend KB got me hooked on:

Harto & Co.

It's A Cup-Cup-Cup-Cake World

I'm not a food blogger, and I have no intention of becoming a food blogger, much as I love cooking and baking.  Other people have that niche covered, and they're much better about it than I am.  Also, they're probably much cleaner in the kitchen.

But I was so tickled and amused with the Banana Split-flavored cupcakes I made this morning for a work barbecue this afternoon that I had to share everything with you!

I wanted to come up with a great dessert for my office peeps, one they hadn't seen before.  I make brownies all the time so those were nixed.  They love my homemade marshmallows, but a) they've seen them before and b) they're pretty labor intensive.

Then I got my daily email from Hungry Girl and she had a bunch of nifty cupcake recipes.  Hungry Girl is a fun website for healthy food tips, tricks, and recipes that use items most Americans probably have in their pantry.  Now, I'll be honest here and let you know that sometimes she uses processed foods along with fresh foods for her recipes and I'm not big on processed foods. I also don't have many of them in my pantry (or I try not to, anyway) so I don't often make her recipes for that reason.  Since I had to go shopping for food for the barbecue anyway, I didn't mind picking on of her recipes for this occasion!  (All her recipes use Weight Watchers Points so if you follow that diet/lifestyle, it's definitely worth checking out.)

ANYHOO, this is the recipe I used: Banana SplitCakes (that's the printable recipe, so if you click it a fun little window might pop-up. It's also the third recipe down here)

The very first thing I did was make the frosting - Cool Whip and Strawberry Preserves.  Easy peasy.  My apartment gets h-o-t, as I've discovered when making homemade buttercream, so I didn't want my frosting to melt before I had a chance to decorate!! I set it aside, in a bowl in the fridge, and then made the batter:

Yummy, yummy batter

This made me nervous, because I didn't follow the recipe on the cake mix box, but instead followed the Hungry Girl recipe.  As such, I didn't add egg or oil, just some baking powder.  I wasn't sure what to expect (I'm notoriously awful at baking with a recipe - I can either wing it, or I need the recipe to be very, incredibly specific).  The hardest part of the entire process was right here, when I needed to mash - by hand - 4 bananas.  I thought I could just take a fork and mash-mash-mash, but apparently my bananas weren't ripe enough for that. So. It took a while.

Ready for the oven!

I'd also like to point out that this was the TASTIEST cake batter I've ever had.

The recipe said that the cupcakes would take approximately 20 minutes to bake.  I ended up baking them for closer to 30 minutes.  It was hard to tell if they were ready because of the banana in the cake batter. 

Hmm, so far they look normal!

Then I stuck all the cupcakes on a tray and put them in the fridge to cool down while I went to shower, get dressed, and pretty myself up for the barbecue.

The next step was frosting the cupcakes.  I have a nifty cupcake carrier, so I put all the cupcakes in their position before frosting.  It's a little harder to frost them that way, but I'm less likely to drop them or mess them up.  I put the frosting into a plastic baggie and cut the end off so I could pipe it onto the cakes - I figured this would be the least messy way.

Then I grabbed a pinchful of chocolate chips and sprinkled them on the cakes, and topped with a hand-cut maraschino cherry (do you know how EXPENSIVE pre-cut cherries are? Ridiculous.)

Mmmm, hand-cut cherries...

The end result was some pretty stinkin' beautiful cupcakes, and they tasted amazing too!

bon appétit!

Folly's Follies Deserve an Update!

Oh my goodness.  I feel like I've been crazy-busy lately, and I know I'm a total slacker with my blog reading (so sorry everyone!!), and I feel like I sort of left you all with this vision of me as depressed, withering away in my bed all day, not eating.

That's usually me when I'm depressed.

But I was able to pull myself out of bed to go to work, and occasionally get to the gym (and almost fall off an elliptical machine.)  And I was even able to eat a bit of food. Sort of. As much as Trevor would let me.

But now I'm prepping for having some lady friends over tomorrow night, so I only have a bit of time, but I wanted to let you know that Hey! I'm okay!  The plan is to the see the doctor sometime in August, when I get another paycheck and can actually afford to see a doctor.  I hope he'll be able to sort out my moods AND my stomach issues.

Also, WNG and I are finito.  After he contacted me, we hung out once and it was great and comfortable.  We were supposed to hang out a mere two days later, and at the last minute he canceled on me.  He called later that night and I found out that oh – he's got a week of travel here and two travel weeks there and that's all within 5 WEEKS OF EACH OTHER so it's just clear that he has NO time for me right now.  So.  The plan is to sign up for eHarmony in August (again, when I get a paycheck and can afford it).

Even my mother thought it was a great idea, so I figure if my mom approves of online dating then there's no turning back and chickening out now.

It's interesting, though, how many women keep telling me, "awww, he could come around! Maybe you'll work out!"  <-- I had that conversation with a coworker today.  Love her, and she loves hearing about my dating life, but she said that and I just said something vague like, "Yeah, I guess we'll see. I'm not holding my breath haha" while thinking to myself, "Why would I stick with him? I deserve someone who will make time for me!"

In addition to sounding like a whiny, love-struck 17-year-old, I've been working on some professional growth things – attending classes and whatnot – so I'm hoping to move forward into a different career within the next year.  Things are looking up, so I'm hoping this will all lift my mood a bit! Maybe even Trevor will be happier, too!

So, in short (but really, longer than intended) I'm feeling better and looking forward to just moving forward with everything.  Here's hoping things continue movin' on up! 

Oh, and my cashier at the liquor store today? McHottie.  Also, McFlirtie.  Must purchase more alcohol on Thursday evenings!!

Folly Gets Serious

At first, I was convinced I was Depressed.  The feeling's been going on for a few weeks now and I even put calling my doctor on my list of Things To Do But Will Procrastinate In Doing, but there was something off about it.  Something not so...sad.  Now, I'm generally a Depressive person, and I know what Depression feels like for me.  This was off.  So then I decided I must be suffering from Anxiety.  Again, something I know about.  In high school, I used to suffer Panic Attacks and Vertigo just at the thought of raising my hand to answer a question.

Despite my love of Alfred Hitchcock, I can't stand this movie.

I decided against the Anxiety when I realized I wasn't actually anxious about anything.  So I went back to Depression.

I'm still not positive that's what it is, since it seems different than what I've experienced before, but I'm certainly feeling something.  I have a lot of reasons to feel run-down, depressed, stressed-out, or more.  Mom is still unemployed, has been for 19 months, and it's really taking a toll on her.  She's very depressed, lacking confidence, and, as it happens with unemployment, money is tight.  She's also admitted that it's taking a toll on her and my father's relationship.

I'm not seriously worried about them, but I don't like to hear those things.

In addition, I spent the last four weeks training for my first ever 5k race, held on The Fourth.  I didn't run the 3.1 miles straight through, but I did my darndest and I achieved all of my goals for the event:
A.   Finish in under 45 minutes
B.   Don't be the last to finish
C.   Just Finish. Alive.

That other time is the "chip time", whatever that is.

I finished the race in 37:43.83, well under my 45 minute goal. YAY ME! Unfortunately, the training and the race left me completely spent.  I'll be honest - I did not take as good of care of myself as I should have with the training and the running.  I didn't drink enough water, I didn't eat enough protein - lesson learned, for sure.

So, what do we have so far? We have mom's stressors, which are a domino effect for the rest of the family.  We have physical stressors, from the running and the training.  We have the already existing stressors from trying to figure out a career path and dealing with Trevor the Terrible Large Intestine.

My feet are covered with 'skeeter bites (apparently wearing flip-flops, after running, on a summer night = bugs descend like crazy).  Oh, my computer keeps going berserk-o on me and I have no idea why!

Basically, it all adds up to be not being in a good head space.  Then, of course, there's WNG.  WNG is working a lot, and he was gone on the holiday weekend, and so I haven't seen him in over two weeks.  I haven't spoken to him on the phone in almost as long.  We've conversed ever-so-briefly via text messages in the last two days, but we haven't made any plans to see each other.

This upsets me.

But I can't tell if it upsets me because there's actually a root issue, or if it upsets me because I have so much going on right now that I can't deal with a boy at the moment.

I've tried to listen to my Gut, and determine if it's a Gut Issue or a Dragon Issue, but I have no feeling about it.  No Gut feelings.  No Dragon feelings.  Just unclear, upset feelings.

I don't really know where I'm going with this rant.  I started writing all these things down for myself and felt the need to share them with others.  Perhaps I'm just tired and just need some sleep.  Perhaps I somehow managed to fuck things up with this great guy and ended up with a crash-n-burn relationship to show for it.  Or, perhaps I'm just overthinking things with WNG because of other things going on right now. 

I don't know.  I just really don't know what's going on with any part of my life right now.  When I go back and preview the post, I feel so stupid about even complaining about the WNG issues.  I read what I've written and think, logically, this is No. Big. Deal.  But it doesn't feel like it's no big deal.

Geez, what am I, 17 again?

Effff.....

The Date with the Noisy Lawyer

I look back on this date and laugh.  It was a good date.  No one else really agrees with me, and it certainly makes for a great story, but I really had no idea how...interesting...it was until I noticed other people's reactions as I told the story.

He called me directly instead of meeting me for drinks with the friend who set us up.  She said he'd rather contact me directly - fine with me.  So he called.  Red Flag one was the little mix-up in our activities for the evening.  I'd told our mutual friend, after seeing some of his photos on Facebook, that I had a thing for golfers.  Somehow that got back to him in a different form, and when he called he suggested we go hit some balls after dinner.

I don't play golf.

I can barely swing a club.

I attempted, and attempted is really the key word here, to explain the mix-up without fully giving away what I'd told our friend.  I glossed over my own skills or lack thereof at the sport and explained that I liked golf but I wasn't all that interested in playing.  His response was:

"You just need to practice more.  If you practice more, you'll like it."

Naturally.  I brushed aside his suggestion, or insistence, that I simply needed to practice the sport more to enjoy playing it (I'm perfectly content to caddy for my parents at the moment thankyouverymuch).

I'll caddy for you anytime, Rory McIlroy

As I walked up to the restaurant, I felt exactly like those people you see on the Match.com commercials, walking into their first date.  I felt all clammy and nervous, expecting that familiar jingle to start playing as I headed to the door in my jeans, tee, and pointy heels.

We went to a Vietnamese place and made our own spring rolls - super fun.  (Is it wrong that I now want to take WNG there for the same thing?)  We also had Vietnamese coffee, which was very tasty - also, very caffeinated.  I no longer drink soda, tea, or other caffeinated beverages past about 1pm, so I did not sleep a WINK that night.  Unfortunately, things went downhill not long after arriving. You see, I was told he was "only 5'9"."  This is not an issue, as I am short and even in 4-inch heels I don't break 5'7".  I quickly discovered that Lawyer was SO NOT the 5'9" I was told he was.  I practically towered over him.  This was weird - I'm never taller than anyone!

A personal annoyance of mine is someone who flashes their ability to pay for something at me.  Lawyer insisted I could order anything I wanted off the menu because he was paying.

Um, yes, yes you are paying, I wanted to say.  YOU are the one who called ME! That's my rule - barring any sort of long-term relationship mumbo-jumbo, or really expensive things like concerts or amusement parks, whoever does the asking does the paying.

I must give him credit, he seemed like a really nice, genuine guy, though he could have kept the volume down a bit when telling me about his recent cases.  He's very loud and talkative, and maybe the table behind us didn't need to hear about how one client had his penis out, in his hands, masturbating while women walked passed his car.  Or the details from the sexual assault by the guy who's now in court for the third time on such a charge.

Oh, yeah, side note: I cut my hair super short!!

I could feel my face going red as he spoke, and I tried to shrink as far down in my booth as possible.  At about this point, the table behind us got up to leave after they finished dinner, and as they left they stopped at our table and the lady said, "It was nice getting to know the two of you."

OH NO THEY DI'IN'T (oh yes they did)

WHO DOES THAT????  ANYONE reading our body language could tell that we don't really know each other, and we're likely on a first date.  You can usually tell which couples those are in a restaurant, and dear heavens to Betsy I would NEVER in a million years walk up to a couple that appeared to be on a first date and make such an asinine comment.

I wouldn't make such a comment to any couple, but especially not one that appeared to be on a first date.

Any-hoo...

Lawyer was kind of a showoff - telling me how he can do whatever he puts his mind to doing, no matter how hard.  Like skiing.  If he wants to go down a Double Diamond hill, then by golly he's going to make it down that Double Diamond hill no matter what.  Because he can.  He kept inviting me to go to Yoga with him the following night (his friend owns the place so he could probably get me a discount).  In fact, he invited me no less than three times to join him at Yoga.

His wallet was made of Argentinean leather, which, you know, is like, super rare and special.  He told me all about a European trip he took with an ex-girlfriend after high school, when they were already exes (don't ever do that, by the way, go on vacation with an ex. So he tells me...).  Really? I don't care if that was 10 years ago -- please don't mention any exes.

Despite his glowing qualities, we had nothing in common.  Different music tastes, movies, book subjects, height, volume levels...he just couldn't compare to WNG, who I'd seen only three days before (and was seeing again the next night, hence why I couldn't accept the ever-present Yoga invitation).

At the end of the date, he took out his phone and showed me pictures of his friend's dog - who had chewed up part of his Argentinean leather wallet - and his parents' two dogs.

After that date, I realized WNG really was the catch I thought he was (and still think he is!).  Also, I started to rethink these set-ups I never had an issue with before.   I MEAN REALLY!!

Things'll go your way/If you hold on for one more day

I just got back from an evening showing of the movie "Bridesmaids" and my best friend and I cried throughout.  It was a great movie, and it was certainly hilarious, but there were parts that were just struck a nerve and were incredibly relatable.  There were many tears and many hugs after the movie ended.

Probably helped that we snuck mini bottles of Pinot Grigio into the movie...but the movie helped me to realize that I'm in a great place and I have amazing friends who are there for me.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

(but Wednesday-night-guy called to finalize plans for Friday and I didn't get a chance to talk to him because of the movie. Damn!!)

Folly's in a Fünke

Michal Marcol/www.freedigitalphotos.net

It's time to get personal.  I said I was looking to go this route, I received some wonderful feedback about it (thanks!), so get ready, follies, because here goes.

I'm in a Fünke.  I get down and blue every so often - it's sort of a regular thing with me - so being in a Fünke itself isn't so bad or abnormal.  This particular Fünke seems to be lasting a bit longer, however, and that's starting to bother me.  I'm usually able to hide my Fünkes while at work or out with the family, but lately I haven't been able to do that.  Little things are really starting to get to me.  Usually I can deal with a fair amount of negativity around me, either by ignoring it or occasionally taking part (misery loves company), but lately I just want to yell "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" at everyone.  And naturally I was angry at having to wake up for work this morning.  Sure, I'm upset every Monday morning when I realize the sun's not yet up and I have to go to work, but it's taking me longer and longer to even want to wake up in the morning.

I basically feel like I just can't get happy.  I was looking at jobs and salaries last night, and realized that someone in my position in the private sector, with my experience and whatnot, is averaging TWICE the yearly salary I make.  Do you know how depressing that is, to know that someone out there is doing the same thing you're doing and making twice what you make while your take-home pay is being cut each year because of the recession? I didn't think I wanted to continue this type of job as part of my 5 year plan, but hell - they have career movement! And real salaries that can pay the bills!  Suddenly it's an option.

I find myself dreaming of adult things - a new car, being a homeowner sooner rather than later, how in the world I'm going to pay my car insurance come August, when I'll be able to afford a dog, what sort of job/career I want...These are things I want and need to start budgeting for, but it's very difficult to do right now.

It's been rainy and cloudy here, which isn't helping the fünke at all.  I'm so tired of wearing sweaters!!  I just want some sunny and warm weather that lasts longer than a day.  I finally worked on my college scrapbook last night to perk up my mood, which was very nice and therapeutic, but pulling out all that stuff always make me realize how little room I really have in my apartment.

Then, because I must add in something terribly frivolous to the list of fünke-causers, I won't be able to stay up all night and watch the Royal Wedding.  Because I have to work the next day.  And this depresses me because I got myself all excited to stay up late and throw a party and watch it without realizing I had totally miscalculated the time difference (for some reason I thought it would take place at 2am on SATURDAY my time, not 2am on FRIDAY my time. Oops.)  And even if I did stay up (I haven't been sleeping very well, so I might end up watching the wedding) I won't be able to pop open my sparkling rosé wine to toast the happy couple, again because of that little thing called work.

Okay, jesting aside I don't REALLY care that I can't watch the wedding as it airs, and there will be plenty of reruns throughout the next six months, I'm sure.  But at least being able to watch it with some rosé bubbly and hors d'oeuvre would have been fun and perked my mood up a bit!

I'm just feeling so negative about everything in life right now - relationships, job-hunting, my future.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat about everything.

On top of all this negative energy I'm heaping upon myself, I'm utterly determined to finally start taking charge, suck it up, and deal with Trevor, which means:

No onions, leeks, garlic, chives, or anything else in the Allium family
No fake, processed, artificial meals
No refined sugars
No potatoes
No fried foods
No popcorn
Limited artificial sweetener
Limited alcohol
Limited bread products
Limited milk products
Limited caffeine
Limited berries

ONION FIGHT!!!

My first thought after reading through this list was, "Well, this diet is going to make future dates a lot of fun".  It basically means I'll be eating a lot more fruits and veggies - which I, thankfully, already eat quite a bit of, but this also means I must go grocery shopping more often than I do now, which is already difficult since I only get paid once a month. It also means I basically have to cook everything I eat myself.  I love to cook, but once I factor in my commute, my workouts, and any sort of social life...my cooking time is often limited to quick meals or just the weekends.  Now I have all these restrictions and I am at a loss in the kitchen.  I'm not sure if you knew this about me, but I basically live on potatoes and potato products. And wine. But we all knew that :)  I just can't help feeling that this is all a little...well,

It's depressing.  I think that's the point I'm getting at with all these complaints, gripes, and petty grievances.  It's depressing, and I'm not sure how to lift myself up from it all.  I wish I could get all perky, and look at all these things with a positive outlook and say, "Hey! Just think of how much better Trevor will feel!"  or "One day I'll totally own my own house!" But that just isn't helping me right now (and I wouldn't be surprised if this sudden dietary shift is partially at fault for the sourpuss moods as of late).

If I can attempt to look on the positive side for just a moment, and because I'd like to end this blog on some semblance of positivity, I fully expect to have tons more energy after a week or so on my new diet!!

And my skin will probably be amazing.

Salvatore Vuono/www,freedigitalphotos.net

But still - the point of this post remains:  Folly's in a fünke, and she doesn't know how to get out.