I'm in a Fünke. I get down and blue every so often - it's sort of a regular thing with me - so being in a Fünke itself isn't so bad or abnormal. This particular Fünke seems to be lasting a bit longer, however, and that's starting to bother me. I'm usually able to hide my Fünkes while at work or out with the family, but lately I haven't been able to do that. Little things are really starting to get to me. Usually I can deal with a fair amount of negativity around me, either by ignoring it or occasionally taking part (misery loves company), but lately I just want to yell "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" at everyone. And naturally I was angry at having to wake up for work this morning. Sure, I'm upset every Monday morning when I realize the sun's not yet up and I have to go to work, but it's taking me longer and longer to even want to wake up in the morning.
I basically feel like I just can't get happy. I was looking at jobs and salaries last night, and realized that someone in my position in the private sector, with my experience and whatnot, is averaging TWICE the yearly salary I make. Do you know how depressing that is, to know that someone out there is doing the same thing you're doing and making twice what you make while your take-home pay is being cut each year because of the recession? I didn't think I wanted to continue this type of job as part of my 5 year plan, but hell - they have career movement! And real salaries that can pay the bills! Suddenly it's an option.
I find myself dreaming of adult things - a new car, being a homeowner sooner rather than later, how in the world I'm going to pay my car insurance come August, when I'll be able to afford a dog, what sort of job/career I want...These are things I want and need to start budgeting for, but it's very difficult to do right now.
It's been rainy and cloudy here, which isn't helping the fünke at all. I'm so tired of wearing sweaters!! I just want some sunny and warm weather that lasts longer than a day. I finally worked on my college scrapbook last night to perk up my mood, which was very nice and therapeutic, but pulling out all that stuff always make me realize how little room I really have in my apartment.
Then, because I must add in something terribly frivolous to the list of fünke-causers, I won't be able to stay up all night and watch the Royal Wedding. Because I have to work the next day. And this depresses me because I got myself all excited to stay up late and throw a party and watch it without realizing I had totally miscalculated the time difference (for some reason I thought it would take place at 2am on SATURDAY my time, not 2am on FRIDAY my time. Oops.) And even if I did stay up (I haven't been sleeping very well, so I might end up watching the wedding) I won't be able to pop open my sparkling rosé wine to toast the happy couple, again because of that little thing called work.
Okay, jesting aside I don't REALLY care that I can't watch the wedding as it airs, and there will be plenty of reruns throughout the next six months, I'm sure. But at least being able to watch it with some rosé bubbly and hors d'oeuvre would have been fun and perked my mood up a bit!
I'm just feeling so negative about everything in life right now - relationships, job-hunting, my future. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat about everything.
On top of all this negative energy I'm heaping upon myself, I'm utterly determined to finally start taking charge, suck it up, and deal with Trevor, which means:
No onions, leeks, garlic, chives, or anything else in the Allium family
No fake, processed, artificial meals
No refined sugars
No fried foods
Limited artificial sweetener
Limited bread products
Limited milk products
My first thought after reading through this list was, "Well, this diet is going to make future dates a lot of fun". It basically means I'll be eating a lot more fruits and veggies - which I, thankfully, already eat quite a bit of, but this also means I must go grocery shopping more often than I do now, which is already difficult since I only get paid once a month. It also means I basically have to cook everything I eat myself. I love to cook, but once I factor in my commute, my workouts, and any sort of social life...my cooking time is often limited to quick meals or just the weekends. Now I have all these restrictions and I am at a loss in the kitchen. I'm not sure if you knew this about me, but I basically live on potatoes and potato products. And wine. But we all knew that :) I just can't help feeling that this is all a little...well,
It's depressing. I think that's the point I'm getting at with all these complaints, gripes, and petty grievances. It's depressing, and I'm not sure how to lift myself up from it all. I wish I could get all perky, and look at all these things with a positive outlook and say, "Hey! Just think of how much better Trevor will feel!" or "One day I'll totally own my own house!" But that just isn't helping me right now (and I wouldn't be surprised if this sudden dietary shift is partially at fault for the sourpuss moods as of late).
If I can attempt to look on the positive side for just a moment, and because I'd like to end this blog on some semblance of positivity, I fully expect to have tons more energy after a week or so on my new diet!!
And my skin will probably be amazing.