I'll Pencil You In

It's official...

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Folly is seeing a doctor next week! It's overdue, but it's finally happening.  Plus, I was able to get an early morning appointment early in the week, so it's like Win-Win right now.  If the doc can figure out what's up with me, then it'll be Win-Win-Win...or something like that.

Meanwhile, please enjoy this website that my dear friend KB got me hooked on:

Harto & Co.

Folly's Follies Deserve an Update!

Oh my goodness.  I feel like I've been crazy-busy lately, and I know I'm a total slacker with my blog reading (so sorry everyone!!), and I feel like I sort of left you all with this vision of me as depressed, withering away in my bed all day, not eating.

That's usually me when I'm depressed.

But I was able to pull myself out of bed to go to work, and occasionally get to the gym (and almost fall off an elliptical machine.)  And I was even able to eat a bit of food. Sort of. As much as Trevor would let me.

But now I'm prepping for having some lady friends over tomorrow night, so I only have a bit of time, but I wanted to let you know that Hey! I'm okay!  The plan is to the see the doctor sometime in August, when I get another paycheck and can actually afford to see a doctor.  I hope he'll be able to sort out my moods AND my stomach issues.

Also, WNG and I are finito.  After he contacted me, we hung out once and it was great and comfortable.  We were supposed to hang out a mere two days later, and at the last minute he canceled on me.  He called later that night and I found out that oh – he's got a week of travel here and two travel weeks there and that's all within 5 WEEKS OF EACH OTHER so it's just clear that he has NO time for me right now.  So.  The plan is to sign up for eHarmony in August (again, when I get a paycheck and can afford it).

Even my mother thought it was a great idea, so I figure if my mom approves of online dating then there's no turning back and chickening out now.

It's interesting, though, how many women keep telling me, "awww, he could come around! Maybe you'll work out!"  <-- I had that conversation with a coworker today.  Love her, and she loves hearing about my dating life, but she said that and I just said something vague like, "Yeah, I guess we'll see. I'm not holding my breath haha" while thinking to myself, "Why would I stick with him? I deserve someone who will make time for me!"

In addition to sounding like a whiny, love-struck 17-year-old, I've been working on some professional growth things – attending classes and whatnot – so I'm hoping to move forward into a different career within the next year.  Things are looking up, so I'm hoping this will all lift my mood a bit! Maybe even Trevor will be happier, too!

So, in short (but really, longer than intended) I'm feeling better and looking forward to just moving forward with everything.  Here's hoping things continue movin' on up! 

Oh, and my cashier at the liquor store today? McHottie.  Also, McFlirtie.  Must purchase more alcohol on Thursday evenings!!

Folly Considers Online Dating and Also Loves Giraffes

There are two things that make me feel better when I'm feeling down: Cleaning the house and working out.  Now, I'm a naturally lazy person, so neither of these things are all that appealing to me in ANY mood, but I'm pretty sure there's scientific evidence out there about a clean house equaling a clearer mind; however, I'm feeling lazy and I don't feel like searching it out and finding it for you. So, you'll have to trust me on that. I mean, c'mon - would I lie to you??

I wouldn't.

Promise.

I went to the zoo today, so I was walking for hours out in the sunshine.  Sunshine + walking = much happier mood.  Then, when I got home, I cleaned up a bit around the house, especially the kitchen area.  Clean kitchen = much clearer mood.

I thought I was having a good day. At the very least, a rational day.

But once I sat down, got online, and started relaxing, I realized I wasn't in a good mood.  Apparently, it was only temporarily.

I still haven't seen WNG.  We texted last Friday, but he never responded.  I haven't heard from him, we haven't set up a date, and I have no friggin' clue what's going on with us. At this point, it's been a week and I've decided it's pretty clear - we're over.  He's not interested. Who knew the Nice Guys were such chicken shits?

So now I'm more seriously looking at dating websites. I think I'm able to afford it now, since I've recently received a pay raise at work (yay!) so I just have to pick one.  I wish they posted their "Free Communication Weekends" in advance - I'd hate to sign up and pay for a few months and then have them promote a free weekend!! (although last year there was a free weekend at the end of July, so maybe another one will happen soon??)

I've narrowed it down to Chemistry.com and eHarmony.com.  I know about 10 people who met their current paramours/husbands on eHarms, and I'm familiar with the scientist behind Chemistry.com (she's came to speak at my university while I was there. Luv huh!). I know both of these sites have some of the longest personality questionnaires, but I'm okay with that if it helps me get a better match.

Plus, they're pretty popular and well-known, so I feel like there will be more people signed up.  Or, to be clearer, there will be more GUYS signed up, therefore more chances for a match.

I can only afford one, so I'll have to make a choice.  So far, I'm leaning toward eHarms, but only time will tell. Naturally I'll keep you all posted (since apparently this blog is staying put, as I haven't figured out what I want to do with it/my "brand/etc. haha).

To end on a happy note, I give you a picture I took today of a giraffe.  I'm a sucker for anything giraffe-print, including actual giraffes.

And oh heck, let's throw in a Giraffe video, courtesy of SNL and Hulu, for the heck of it:

Folly Gets Serious

At first, I was convinced I was Depressed.  The feeling's been going on for a few weeks now and I even put calling my doctor on my list of Things To Do But Will Procrastinate In Doing, but there was something off about it.  Something not so...sad.  Now, I'm generally a Depressive person, and I know what Depression feels like for me.  This was off.  So then I decided I must be suffering from Anxiety.  Again, something I know about.  In high school, I used to suffer Panic Attacks and Vertigo just at the thought of raising my hand to answer a question.

Despite my love of Alfred Hitchcock, I can't stand this movie.

I decided against the Anxiety when I realized I wasn't actually anxious about anything.  So I went back to Depression.

I'm still not positive that's what it is, since it seems different than what I've experienced before, but I'm certainly feeling something.  I have a lot of reasons to feel run-down, depressed, stressed-out, or more.  Mom is still unemployed, has been for 19 months, and it's really taking a toll on her.  She's very depressed, lacking confidence, and, as it happens with unemployment, money is tight.  She's also admitted that it's taking a toll on her and my father's relationship.

I'm not seriously worried about them, but I don't like to hear those things.

In addition, I spent the last four weeks training for my first ever 5k race, held on The Fourth.  I didn't run the 3.1 miles straight through, but I did my darndest and I achieved all of my goals for the event:
A.   Finish in under 45 minutes
B.   Don't be the last to finish
C.   Just Finish. Alive.

That other time is the "chip time", whatever that is.

I finished the race in 37:43.83, well under my 45 minute goal. YAY ME! Unfortunately, the training and the race left me completely spent.  I'll be honest - I did not take as good of care of myself as I should have with the training and the running.  I didn't drink enough water, I didn't eat enough protein - lesson learned, for sure.

So, what do we have so far? We have mom's stressors, which are a domino effect for the rest of the family.  We have physical stressors, from the running and the training.  We have the already existing stressors from trying to figure out a career path and dealing with Trevor the Terrible Large Intestine.

My feet are covered with 'skeeter bites (apparently wearing flip-flops, after running, on a summer night = bugs descend like crazy).  Oh, my computer keeps going berserk-o on me and I have no idea why!

Basically, it all adds up to be not being in a good head space.  Then, of course, there's WNG.  WNG is working a lot, and he was gone on the holiday weekend, and so I haven't seen him in over two weeks.  I haven't spoken to him on the phone in almost as long.  We've conversed ever-so-briefly via text messages in the last two days, but we haven't made any plans to see each other.

This upsets me.

But I can't tell if it upsets me because there's actually a root issue, or if it upsets me because I have so much going on right now that I can't deal with a boy at the moment.

I've tried to listen to my Gut, and determine if it's a Gut Issue or a Dragon Issue, but I have no feeling about it.  No Gut feelings.  No Dragon feelings.  Just unclear, upset feelings.

I don't really know where I'm going with this rant.  I started writing all these things down for myself and felt the need to share them with others.  Perhaps I'm just tired and just need some sleep.  Perhaps I somehow managed to fuck things up with this great guy and ended up with a crash-n-burn relationship to show for it.  Or, perhaps I'm just overthinking things with WNG because of other things going on right now. 

I don't know.  I just really don't know what's going on with any part of my life right now.  When I go back and preview the post, I feel so stupid about even complaining about the WNG issues.  I read what I've written and think, logically, this is No. Big. Deal.  But it doesn't feel like it's no big deal.

Geez, what am I, 17 again?

Effff.....

Folly's in a Fünke

Michal Marcol/www.freedigitalphotos.net

It's time to get personal.  I said I was looking to go this route, I received some wonderful feedback about it (thanks!), so get ready, follies, because here goes.

I'm in a Fünke.  I get down and blue every so often - it's sort of a regular thing with me - so being in a Fünke itself isn't so bad or abnormal.  This particular Fünke seems to be lasting a bit longer, however, and that's starting to bother me.  I'm usually able to hide my Fünkes while at work or out with the family, but lately I haven't been able to do that.  Little things are really starting to get to me.  Usually I can deal with a fair amount of negativity around me, either by ignoring it or occasionally taking part (misery loves company), but lately I just want to yell "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" at everyone.  And naturally I was angry at having to wake up for work this morning.  Sure, I'm upset every Monday morning when I realize the sun's not yet up and I have to go to work, but it's taking me longer and longer to even want to wake up in the morning.

I basically feel like I just can't get happy.  I was looking at jobs and salaries last night, and realized that someone in my position in the private sector, with my experience and whatnot, is averaging TWICE the yearly salary I make.  Do you know how depressing that is, to know that someone out there is doing the same thing you're doing and making twice what you make while your take-home pay is being cut each year because of the recession? I didn't think I wanted to continue this type of job as part of my 5 year plan, but hell - they have career movement! And real salaries that can pay the bills!  Suddenly it's an option.

I find myself dreaming of adult things - a new car, being a homeowner sooner rather than later, how in the world I'm going to pay my car insurance come August, when I'll be able to afford a dog, what sort of job/career I want...These are things I want and need to start budgeting for, but it's very difficult to do right now.

It's been rainy and cloudy here, which isn't helping the fünke at all.  I'm so tired of wearing sweaters!!  I just want some sunny and warm weather that lasts longer than a day.  I finally worked on my college scrapbook last night to perk up my mood, which was very nice and therapeutic, but pulling out all that stuff always make me realize how little room I really have in my apartment.

Then, because I must add in something terribly frivolous to the list of fünke-causers, I won't be able to stay up all night and watch the Royal Wedding.  Because I have to work the next day.  And this depresses me because I got myself all excited to stay up late and throw a party and watch it without realizing I had totally miscalculated the time difference (for some reason I thought it would take place at 2am on SATURDAY my time, not 2am on FRIDAY my time. Oops.)  And even if I did stay up (I haven't been sleeping very well, so I might end up watching the wedding) I won't be able to pop open my sparkling rosé wine to toast the happy couple, again because of that little thing called work.

Okay, jesting aside I don't REALLY care that I can't watch the wedding as it airs, and there will be plenty of reruns throughout the next six months, I'm sure.  But at least being able to watch it with some rosé bubbly and hors d'oeuvre would have been fun and perked my mood up a bit!

I'm just feeling so negative about everything in life right now - relationships, job-hunting, my future.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat about everything.

On top of all this negative energy I'm heaping upon myself, I'm utterly determined to finally start taking charge, suck it up, and deal with Trevor, which means:

No onions, leeks, garlic, chives, or anything else in the Allium family
No fake, processed, artificial meals
No refined sugars
No potatoes
No fried foods
No popcorn
Limited artificial sweetener
Limited alcohol
Limited bread products
Limited milk products
Limited caffeine
Limited berries

ONION FIGHT!!!

My first thought after reading through this list was, "Well, this diet is going to make future dates a lot of fun".  It basically means I'll be eating a lot more fruits and veggies - which I, thankfully, already eat quite a bit of, but this also means I must go grocery shopping more often than I do now, which is already difficult since I only get paid once a month. It also means I basically have to cook everything I eat myself.  I love to cook, but once I factor in my commute, my workouts, and any sort of social life...my cooking time is often limited to quick meals or just the weekends.  Now I have all these restrictions and I am at a loss in the kitchen.  I'm not sure if you knew this about me, but I basically live on potatoes and potato products. And wine. But we all knew that :)  I just can't help feeling that this is all a little...well,

It's depressing.  I think that's the point I'm getting at with all these complaints, gripes, and petty grievances.  It's depressing, and I'm not sure how to lift myself up from it all.  I wish I could get all perky, and look at all these things with a positive outlook and say, "Hey! Just think of how much better Trevor will feel!"  or "One day I'll totally own my own house!" But that just isn't helping me right now (and I wouldn't be surprised if this sudden dietary shift is partially at fault for the sourpuss moods as of late).

If I can attempt to look on the positive side for just a moment, and because I'd like to end this blog on some semblance of positivity, I fully expect to have tons more energy after a week or so on my new diet!!

And my skin will probably be amazing.

Salvatore Vuono/www,freedigitalphotos.net

But still - the point of this post remains:  Folly's in a fünke, and she doesn't know how to get out.