Folly Gets Serious

At first, I was convinced I was Depressed.  The feeling's been going on for a few weeks now and I even put calling my doctor on my list of Things To Do But Will Procrastinate In Doing, but there was something off about it.  Something not so...sad.  Now, I'm generally a Depressive person, and I know what Depression feels like for me.  This was off.  So then I decided I must be suffering from Anxiety.  Again, something I know about.  In high school, I used to suffer Panic Attacks and Vertigo just at the thought of raising my hand to answer a question.

Despite my love of Alfred Hitchcock, I can't stand this movie.

I decided against the Anxiety when I realized I wasn't actually anxious about anything.  So I went back to Depression.

I'm still not positive that's what it is, since it seems different than what I've experienced before, but I'm certainly feeling something.  I have a lot of reasons to feel run-down, depressed, stressed-out, or more.  Mom is still unemployed, has been for 19 months, and it's really taking a toll on her.  She's very depressed, lacking confidence, and, as it happens with unemployment, money is tight.  She's also admitted that it's taking a toll on her and my father's relationship.

I'm not seriously worried about them, but I don't like to hear those things.

In addition, I spent the last four weeks training for my first ever 5k race, held on The Fourth.  I didn't run the 3.1 miles straight through, but I did my darndest and I achieved all of my goals for the event:
A.   Finish in under 45 minutes
B.   Don't be the last to finish
C.   Just Finish. Alive.

That other time is the "chip time", whatever that is.

I finished the race in 37:43.83, well under my 45 minute goal. YAY ME! Unfortunately, the training and the race left me completely spent.  I'll be honest - I did not take as good of care of myself as I should have with the training and the running.  I didn't drink enough water, I didn't eat enough protein - lesson learned, for sure.

So, what do we have so far? We have mom's stressors, which are a domino effect for the rest of the family.  We have physical stressors, from the running and the training.  We have the already existing stressors from trying to figure out a career path and dealing with Trevor the Terrible Large Intestine.

My feet are covered with 'skeeter bites (apparently wearing flip-flops, after running, on a summer night = bugs descend like crazy).  Oh, my computer keeps going berserk-o on me and I have no idea why!

Basically, it all adds up to be not being in a good head space.  Then, of course, there's WNG.  WNG is working a lot, and he was gone on the holiday weekend, and so I haven't seen him in over two weeks.  I haven't spoken to him on the phone in almost as long.  We've conversed ever-so-briefly via text messages in the last two days, but we haven't made any plans to see each other.

This upsets me.

But I can't tell if it upsets me because there's actually a root issue, or if it upsets me because I have so much going on right now that I can't deal with a boy at the moment.

I've tried to listen to my Gut, and determine if it's a Gut Issue or a Dragon Issue, but I have no feeling about it.  No Gut feelings.  No Dragon feelings.  Just unclear, upset feelings.

I don't really know where I'm going with this rant.  I started writing all these things down for myself and felt the need to share them with others.  Perhaps I'm just tired and just need some sleep.  Perhaps I somehow managed to fuck things up with this great guy and ended up with a crash-n-burn relationship to show for it.  Or, perhaps I'm just overthinking things with WNG because of other things going on right now. 

I don't know.  I just really don't know what's going on with any part of my life right now.  When I go back and preview the post, I feel so stupid about even complaining about the WNG issues.  I read what I've written and think, logically, this is No. Big. Deal.  But it doesn't feel like it's no big deal.

Geez, what am I, 17 again?

Effff.....