Saturday, December 18, 2010

All at once the crowd begins to sing

I started the day looking at his toothbrush.  I haven't tossed it yet; it’s still in my bathroom drawer, wrapped in a plastic bag.  I don’t use that drawer for much, but today I needed a round brush to make my hair look all nice and full of body, so I had to dip into the drawer. 

That should have been a clue to me that this would not be a good emotional day.

I spent the day with the madre, who tells me often (read: every time I see her) how much better off I am without D and how clearly he just can’t communicate, and on and on and on.  Then I had to recap the breakup story with my aunt, and oh – met my cousin for lunch and her new FIANCE.

Shoot me now.

I finally broke down this evening, right before leaving for church with my parents, when I was killing time online and saw a gorgeous picture of a man proposing to his gal on The Chive (yeah, I’m totally pimping out The Chive right now.  Whatever.  Just check it out.) I got all sad and mopey and upset, and on the drive home from my parents’ house the song “All At Once” by the Fray came on.

Fuckity fuck fuck, I lost it.  I couldn’t stop crying.  It was awful.  I know it’s only been a week, but I felt like I was past the bawling and crying stage.  I feel like I’ve been handling it so well so far that I feel like I can’t cry about him anymore.  It’s not true, I know it’s not true, and I know it’ll probably take me a while to get to a really good place, but I just can’t stand crying in general and especially not over guys.  I don’t even know why I feel like I’m putting this deadline on myself.  I shouldn’t be in a rush to get over him.  I spent nearly a year with him, so I’m obviously not going to be moving on any time soon.  But I’m still irritated about the whole thing – the breakup, the crying, the potential for seeing D this week on the bus – and I feel like I have to be okay in front of everyone else and bottle up how awful I feel.

Maybe this is the reason it doesn’t yet feel like Christmas to me.  I hope I will by next weekend – can’t believe it’s already Christmas!!


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