Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Need A Vacay: or, how I had a panic attack at work today

This? Almost burned down my apartment.
Oh good heavens, follies (yeah, you have a nickname now, readers; you are my follies).  I've stressed myself out so much in the past week that my body is revolting against me. I'll spare you the unnecessary details, but suffice it to say that I. Need. A. Holiday.

I knew I was feeling a little stressed, but I didn't think it had elevated to it's current level. We're at, like, DEFCON 5 - HIGH STRESS ALERT here. And it comes in horrible waves. Panic attack waves. Panic attack waves the likes of which I haven't seen in over 5 years. YEARS.  During my lunch-time walk around the neighborhood to de-stress I started crying over my stressors, and as I approached my building my chest got tight, I started crying again, and I had to loop around the block before I could go back to work. NOT NORMAL, PEOPLE.

I'm starting to wish Friend hadn't bothered to tell me how disappointed he is in D and how he wished we hadn't split up. It's just brought up so many emotions that I didn't want to feel again and that I thought I was done with feeling.  Plus, now instead of not thinking of D and just moving on with my life, I find myself thinking of him in positive/negative waves.  But none of my emotions feel real anymore. If I feel positively for D it's because all the emotions I had for him have resurfaced, and if I feel negatively it's because I'm beyond stressed and seeing red at everything and everyone.  Everything I feel just feels...FAKE.

On top of that, we have more budget cuts coming at work that are expected to again cut into my take-home pay. So, in the slightly-more-than-two years I've been here, I've received at least two decreases in pay.  I started at the entry-level salary, so while I bring home enough to pay the bills, I can't afford much beyond that.  That also means that any seemingly minor decrease - even of only 1% or 2% - makes a noticeable dent in my pay, so I'm less than thrilled about these most recent cuts. Unlike most people in my office, I don't have a roommate or spouse to help pay for groceries and mortgages and offer that moral support.

And on top of THAT, I'll be seeing The Bandleader on Friday night, which has my nerves all a-twitter.  I'm terrified that if I like him (and, thusly, he likes me) that I won't be feeling Real Feelings but only Rebound Feelings.  I don't think I even know what Rebound Feelings feel like.  And what if I don't like his band?

I'm so stressed I'm not eating.  Case in point - it took me over two hours today to finish two normal-sized slices of pizza for lunch. And - AND - I'm not drinking wine.

Yeah, follies, it's that bad.  I can't stomach the thought of alcohol.

I don't even know what to do at this point to relieve my stress. I don't have money for a massage (see that second point about money), I don't have time off for a vacation until May, and I can't even finish a glass of wine. OH, and I almost burned down my apartment trying to bake a heart-shaped pizza for myself Monday night.

Now my apartment smells like melted cardboard and burnt pizza.

AND (because misery loves company so I might as well keep going, right?) I no longer feel like getting into online dating is a good option for me because a) I don't have the money for a paid site, and for various reasons don't like certain free sites and b) Apparently people from try to kill you.

Okay, I jest about that last point.  Obviously that guy is the exception and not the rule, right? (...RIGHT?)

But seriously follies, SERIOUSLY.  I need some de-stressing tips.  Because Panic Attacks? Really? Not cool.  Make them stop.

Okay follies, we've had success on one front.  Tonight I'm able to stomach wine again.  There is hope for me after all.

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